I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
