Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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