Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
