I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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