I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
