i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
