It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
