it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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