I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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