At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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