I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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