Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
