You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
