I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
