On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
