Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
