i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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