Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
