Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
