I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
