Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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