im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
