Define "chronic" masturbator.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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