Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
