It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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