I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
