Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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