i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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