Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
