she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
