take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
When are your genitals available?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
