Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
