I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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