I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
