I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
