Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
