And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
