dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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