Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
