She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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