Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
