I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
