I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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