you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
