If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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