my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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