I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
