**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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