when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
