That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
