Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
