Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
